Listening Beyond Words The Key to Deeper Human Connection In today's world, there is an overgrowing focus on “me” and less on “us.” This “all-about-me” emphasis has led to a lack of empathy, which, in turn, results in more and more conflict. The primary reason for this…people do not listen. Their focus is on their own agenda, and they are not open to really listening to others’ thoughts and feelings. And while we have personal rights, we also have a moral responsibility to be kind humans. Early on, teaching children the importance of empathic listening is an invaluable life skill that can change human interactions positively.

Communication is an essential skill to have, and while children are taught to talk and write, listening is only addressed to get children to follow directions. When we talk to others, our biggest need is to feel understood. The problem is that most people only listen with the intent to reply. They have essentially already made up their mind about what we mean and are, therefore, only waiting to make their point. This leads to misunderstandings and conflicts. To be an effective listener, we must be willing to listen beyond the words. As Sean Covey stated in “The 7 Habits of Happy Kids,” “…less than 10 percent of communication is contained in the words we use.”

To help our children with this, we must begin by cultivating their emotional knowledge. Typically, parents start doing this with their younger children by naming strong emotions that the children express. This increases their emotional vocabulary. Parents can then expand on this when situations arise. For example, when a child is watching a TV show, parents can start a conversation by asking their children what they thought the characters were feeling and how they were communicating. As children get older, the conversations can take on a deeper level of empathy. When we teach children to listen through the words someone is saying and pick up on the tone of voice and body language, they begin to build more emotional awareness.

As with anything, a large part of children developing this skill is through observing role models. When interacting with children, it is important that adults understand how a child feels about a situation by asking questions and watching body language. By treating children this way, they will learn, firsthand, a deeper and more meaningful way of interacting with others. They will then show the same respect and empathy for the people they interact with. To help with this, parents can utilise the Parent SKILLZ curriculum(coming soon) as well as the Life SKILLZ information that is used in class, as a way of starting. It is important to keep in mind, however, that children will make mistakes and be unkind sometimes. This is when we need to give them a second chance to try again without making them feel embarrassed. Use these times as further learning opportunities. 
We all want to be understood. By teaching empathic listening to children early on and exercising it often, we can strengthen our communication skills and build trust with each other. Respecting each other enough to truly listen to someone else’s perspective instead of from our frame of reference will go a long way in creating more meaningful interactions. As Mike Greene said, “The ability to hear is a gift. The willingness to listen is a choice.”  Read More

How Trauma Affects Children and Teens     As we continue to navigate the uncharted waters of the current pandemic, many are looking to the future and what it holds. And while it’s hard to predict how long our current daily life modifications will last, what we do know is that the experience of this trauma will have personal changes that could last for years to come. Trauma can affect people of any age and in varying ways. Children and teens are especially vulnerable since development has not stopped. Understanding the effects of the current pandemic is key in helping them bounce back faster when life returns to “normal.”     Children are, undoubtedly, resilient. However, this doesn’t automatically mean that they won’t suffer after a traumatic event. And while children from homes that were unstable prior to our COVID-19 crisis will be more affected, any child could suffer with symptoms of PTSD following this. During trauma, the brain is inundated with Cortisol, the stress hormone, and changes in the brain can result. This is especially true for children and teens who are still undergoing brain development. And since children are always viewed as resilient, parents and caregivers often miss signs of stress and, therefore, miss out on opportunities to help.       Just as children and teens react to daily events in different ways, they also react to trauma differently. Younger children may exhibit symptoms such as clinginess, increased tantrums, regressive behaviours such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking, and stomachaches. Those in the middle childhood stage may become more irritable, have difficulty concentrating, develop irrational fears, and have nightmares. Pre-teens and teens show warning signs such as anxiety, loss of interest in activities, disrespect, and self-destructive behaviours. It’s important to note, however, that even among the same age groups, reactions to the same traumatic event will look different.       The good thing is, not all children and teens will develop long-lasting symptoms following trauma. However, being able to recognize and respond to acute stress is imperative as well. By being attuned and connecting with their children, parents can create an age-appropriate dialogue for children and teens to talk about their feelings. Implementing a healthy diet and decreasing sugar intake will also reduce stress. Along with this, role-modelling healthy coping skills will also install behaviours that will be useful in the future.      After most traumatic events, people rely on their friends, family, and community to help ease the stress. And, although, we can’t be “together” like we usually are, we can still utilise each other. For children and teens this means keeping some routine things in place to provide an outlet. Virtual play dates with friends, social media games, and virtual sports training can all keep children and teens connected to other friends, other caregivers, and coaches. Keeping them engaged in fun activities will help them be build confidence again and stay connected to people that love and support them.      The effects of this pandemic will continue long after the reopening of our country and may create long term stamps on generations affected. And while we can’t predict the ways each person will be affected, we must be knowledgeable of the ways trauma presents itself in our children and teens so we can be proactive in our approach and help them bounce back quickly. Preserving connectedness for children and teens to their community will increase their ability to feel secure, even in the midst of uncertainty.  Read More

Nurturing Children’s Social Development During the Pandemic     For the past two months, we have been asked to socially distance ourselves from others in order to stop the spread of COVID-19. We’ve put most of our “normal” daily living routines on pause and created a secluded environment for ourselves and our children. And while many things are in a holding pattern, one thing that has not taken a break is children’s development. And yes, we are living in unprecedented times but as the world begins the “re-opening” effort, we must prepare ourselves and our children for what our social lives will look like moving forward.     Children’s social development is being impacted with the guidelines surrounding social distancing. They are no longer able to attend school and interact with their teachers and friends and most parents are also limiting their children’s time spent going on errands as well. Therefore, their ability to interact with others is limited. And what’s worse is that many people have taken the term “social distancing” to mean that they cannot interact with others at all. The stress of getting sick has instilled fear in our minds and caused many to avoid eye contact and greeting others, in addition to staying 6 ft. apart.      For children, “social distancing” can be confusing, especially when parents are avoiding others on all levels. And while the intention of this phrase is good, it has sent the wrong message. What we need to teach children is to “physically distance” themselves from others. This term tells them to maintain distance while also letting them know that eye contact and greetings are okay. This way, children learn what they should do to avoid getting sick while also learning and reinforcing necessary social skills.     In order to meet children’s social development needs, parents must find ways to teach social skills by providing children with creative opportunities for this. One way to start this is by parents role-playing social scenarios. This will be especially important since in-person social interactions will look different as daily activities resume. And while most families have continued to connect with extended family via video chats, parents should also have time set aside for virtual play dates or classes where children can interact with other adults and their peers.        Through Martial arts and fitness, children around the world have continued to engage with their peers and instructors while under stay at home orders. Since Martial arts focuses on developing the whole child, each class targets social skills that are appropriate for a certain age group. And while it’s a bit different now that classes are done virtually, instructors are still able create interactions between students and allow time to check in with them. Nurturing children’s social development, during this time, is vital in preparing them for interactions with others again.      While we don’t know, yet, what the long-term effects of social isolation on our children will look like, what we do know is that children will be different. To help mitigate any regression in social development, we must take the time now to form unity between parents and the community and invest in our children’s social growth. By doing this, we are preparing them for success and helping them feel confident in knowing how to interact with others in a safe, yet compassionate way.  Read More

Supporting Children’s Emotional Needs During the Pandemic Part 2     We are all human and our responses to our current situation vary. Some have hunkered down and sorted through their new reality in a way that has motivated them to complete tasks and put new goals in place. Others have become increasingly overwhelmed and feel like they have no control over their lives at all. It’s important to note, however that there is not a right or wrong way to respond to what we have been presented with. It solely depends on each individual person and how they cope. And as parents are working to navigate their own emotions, they must also help their children manage their feelings.     When parents normalise feelings and show empathy, children are more receptive to creative ways to manage the current situation. Helping children establish behaviours that will meet their emotional needs while also giving them more balance in their daily schedule is important. What parents can do is begin implementing the last four, of eight, parent tips to support their children’s emotional development during this time.     Encourage Self-Discipline: When irritation is the driving force of our feelings, it’s hard to do things exactly as we are expected to. These are the times, however, that coping skills can be extremely useful. Helping children develop ways to deal with their strong feelings can help them now and in the future. Parents should take time to prompt children to develop some coping skills and then compliment them when they apply them.   Maintain Routines: While our “normal” routines have been upended by the pandemic, we’ve been forced to create new habits. And although many children are continuing to adhere to the new routines, others have created habits of procrastination and crazy sleep schedules. Having days to do “nothing” is okay, but maintaining some sort of consistency in a child’s life is key in helping them reacclimatise to their typical routines once things are back normal.   Utilise Technology: Parents typically try to limit their child’s time spent on devices. Currently, doing this is not realistic. In addition to using technology to talk to friends, children are completing their schoolwork online. For children that are used to a traditional classroom, online school isn’t as fun. Finding ways to make learning fun at home will relieve some of the frustration children are feeling and build more motivation.    Stay Connected: Although we are stuck inside, there are still things that must be done. Anything from cooking meals, to cleaning the house, to work, responsibilities are constant. However, parents should utilise the extra time that they have to make stronger connections with their children by providing their undivided attention. It is also important to allow children time to virtually connect with their extended family and friends.   It will be a long time before we know the effects of this isolation. The good thing is that children are resilient. By implementing the 8 Parent SKILLZ in a way that addresses the emotional support children need right now, parents will help children come through this pandemic with strong emotional stability and a more positive outlook on future obstacles.  Read More

Supporting Children’s Emotional Needs During the Pandemic Part 1     As the pandemic carries on, our coping skills are starting to unravel. For many people, this has become the ultimate emotional test. As we continue to maintain our distance from each other, not only have our social lives been halted, but our emotional support is wavering as well. And while we have been living this reality like this for some time, it is not getting any easier. In fact, it is getting a bit harder, especially for children. In order to mitigate this emotional imbalance, it is important to put things into place to help them feel more stable.      Understanding that feelings and responses to the same pandemic are going to vary from person to person is important. Parents need to take time to reassure their children that all emotions are okay and that what they are feeling is normal. There is no right way to cope. What parents can do is begin implementing the first four, of eight, parent tips to support their children’s emotional development during this time.     Practice Patience: While the situation is getting more and more difficult for everyone to deal with, children are greatly affected. Younger children may be more rambunctious and teens may be sleeping more. However your child is responding, it’s important to be patient with them and how they cope. Parents should also be patient with themselves and know that some days will be better than others.    Adjust Expectations: We’ve all heard it…”Make the best of this pandemic.” We have more “free time” now than we’ve ever had. School work can be finished in a short time and since there are no extracurricular activities going on, many parents expect that their children would want to learn new skills or set new goals. And while it sounds like a great idea, it’s just not realistic for everyone. Adapting to how children need to cope during this uncertain time is going to support them more emotionally.   Listen Thoroughly: Children express their emotions in many ways. Being attuned to their feelings and the way they are expressing them is important for parents to be aware of. Observe the way they react to situations and information, watch for non-verbal cues such as behaviours, and listen to their tone of voice. Spending time carefully observing their children will allow parents the ability to better support their children’s emotional needs.    Demonstrate Compassion: Everyone is feeling the frustration of the shelter in place order. And since children show this through their behaviours, it’s important for parents to show empathy and give more love and support to their children. Nurturing children through the ups and downs of our current reality will teach them empathy for others and help them feel more secure.     We are all facing uncertainty and a new type of stress. Children have less experience on how to deal with this. Since they have strong emotions but also have lower self-regulation skills, parents need to make sure that they are being patient, adjusting expectations, listening, and showing empathy. These things will help children feel supported emotionally and give them the space to process things in their own way.      Check back next week for four additional parent tips for supporting your child’s emotional needs during the pandemic. Read More

Boredom – An Essential Ingredient for Creativity     Remember when you wished the weekend would last forever? As weeks of the “shelter in place” order have passed, the eagerness for some “time off” has lost its spark. Children’s boredom is growing day by day and will continue, especially as many schools will be ending the school year earlier than normal. The rising monotony of each day brings about an increase in technology use to keep children occupied. What they should be doing, however, is embracing the boredom and allowing their creative juices to flow.     When we are bored, we are more likely to engage in “sensation seeking.” A study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology states that boredom causes us to look for activities to stimulate the reward centres of the brain. Since using devices increases dopamine, the neural connections for this increase, and our brains crave it more and more. The ability to let our minds wander is diminished and any moment that lacks stimulation makes us uncomfortable. And, unfortunately, our children are learning to satisfy these unpleasant feelings with technology.       As Bertrand Russell, a British philosopher, said “We are less bored than our ancestors were, but we are more afraid of boredom.” However, when we try to rid ourselves of every moment of boredom, we close off our ability to think on a deeper level. Boredom breeds creativity and when children can fulfil the stimulation they are seeking by allowing themselves to “space out,” associative thinking is engaged. Sooner or later, they will create a new game, find different uses for items, or be inspired to find a new skill.     By enforcing an amount of boredom daily, children not only tap into creativity, but they also give their brains an opportunity to rest and reset. When the brain is relaxed, mental clutter diminishes, and new possibilities are abounding. A sense of curiosity presents itself and children learn problem solving skills by a need to fulfil idle time. Their confidence is then built because they are taking chances with new experiences and goals. By allowing children the time to explore new things, parents help them learn life skills that will stick with them when things go back to normal.   To support children even more, parents can be role models by resisting the urge to pick up a device during every moment of down time. Parents can also take the opportunity to implement Parent SKILLZ techniques and information. By putting down devices, parents can be more attuned to their child’s curiosities and prompt them to try new things. Doing so in a way that is fun and fosters new interests can also enhance the parent and child connection.     With our current situation, the summer slump and ensuing boredom will surely hit harder this year. Creating a plan for children that allows space in their routine for “boredom” will promote curiosity. Remember, as Robert M. Pirsig said, “Boredom always proceeds a period of great creativity.” Learning to “space out” again and avoiding the constant use of technology will create a more relaxed mind and cultivate a more inquisitive approach to life.  Read More

Maintaining Healthy Development     With our country at somewhat of a standstill due to the current pandemic, it’s easy to get into a routine that is more laid back. Anything from going to bed late to increased screen time, habits may start leaning on the unhealthy side. And one of the major behaviours that appear when we are in a stressful situation is that we reach for comfort food. And while it may seem as though the current situation will only last for a short time, the long-term effects of our eating habits can have an impact on children’s physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development. Therefore, it’s essential that parents maintain a healthy lifestyle for their family.       In today’s pandemic, it’s even more important for children to consume food that is nourishing to the body. Keeping immune systems strong is vital, especially in the face of our daily health threat. But not only does proper nutrition increase immunity but it is vital for proper physical growth and development in children. Since children’s physical development happens very quickly, utilising nutritious foods that will help them maintain a healthy weight, stabilise their energy levels, and prevent short term illnesses is necessary.      And although schools are closed, intellectual development doesn’t stop. Children are still attending school and must meet educational requirements so parents should make sure children consume “brain foods” that will help boost learning and problem solving. Maintaining healthy eating habits during this time will help keep the brain in “grow mode” which ultimately supports children in learning new things. A nutrient rich diet is linked to changes in a brain protein that helps make proper connections between brain cells. This is especially important now, when learning is more self-reliant.      And while everyone is required to stay at home, emotions can run high. In addition to that, children are still developing emotionally, so the ability for them to mange their behaviours may be more of a challenge. Much of children’s mood swings can be contributed to developmental changes and the stress of the current situation but knowing that certain foods can trigger chemical and physiological changes in the brain is vital. In order to help keep moods more stable and help children develop a healthy relationship with food, parents should encourage children to make healthy choices, in the face of stress, so that these habits will stick with them.     Until recently, family mealtime seemed like a thing of the past. The “on the go” eating plan became the number one way to save time between activities but by doing this, families no longer had time to reconnect after a busy day. However now, we have the time to do this. By taking advantage of these moments, parents can help children develop in a socially healthy way. This time allows parents and children to communicate, for parents to help build better self-esteem in their children, and for children to learn healthy eating habits and table manners. Children can then apply these behaviours when they begin attending other social events again.       With the feeling of uncertainty in our world today, things may feel out of our control. And while we don’t have power over a lot of things, we can influence how our children develop physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. Small healthy changes, each day, will create constructive shifts. And, using the time we have in a productive way and teaching our children how to handle stress in a positive manner will have lasting benefits.  Read More

The Importance of Uniforms(Doboks)     For many years, uniforms have been used in a multitude of industries. From school, to the military, to sports teams, to work, uniforms have remained an element that helps people distinguish one team or organisation from another. And while uniforms are mainly used for this reason, sports teams, the military and some other organisations have supplemental uniforms that have their own purpose as well.      No matter what type, uniforms give people a sense of unity and helps promote pride in being a part of a larger organisation. Loyalty in a group also increases and a feeling of team boosts the morale among everyone involved. Members also feel more confident and enthusiastic because they belong to a group that has the same interests and goals. In the greater scope of things, this cohesiveness also creates brand recognition and consumer trust within the community.      In Tae Kwon Do /Ninja Skillz, wearing a uniform is an important custom and each martial arts style has their own traditional attire that represents it. These uniforms are worn in class for training as well as at formal events such as belt promotions/gradings, tournaments, and demonstrations. When people are seen in a traditional Tae Kwon Do uniform, it is recognised that they are a part of some form of the art. There is a sense of unity in their own individual style, but they also feel a sense of belonging to the martial arts world as a whole.      And while tradition is important regarding martial arts uniforms, it is a challenge to keep them looking their best when they are worn daily in class. For this reason, my schools offer a supplemental uniform. Which is black and gold, or our club branded t shirt to go with the bottoms. Which is comfortable as well as functional. This is especially important since my drills consist of physical training that involves floor exercises and Tae KwonDo movements. It also provides students and parents the flexibility of having options for training.     Much like the military, students wear this training-type uniform in class daily. By wearing this class uniform the students can keep their formal, traditional uniforms in tip top condition for official events. Even better I’m having t-shirts made for specific classes so it creates unity among them. And since my branded ninjas will be displayed on the shirt, this keeps all students connected.      Uniforms are a great way to create a union among people in an organisation and create a consistent appearance. When traditional Tae Kwon Do uniforms are thought of as a “dress uniform” and are to be worn for special events, it creates a higher sense of appreciation for it. Utilising a training uniform or “fatigues,” on a daily basis, is a more practical approach, especially in children’s TaeKwonDo/Ninja classes. Having uniforms that are durable, as another option for training time, is a great alternative for students and parents appreciate the simplicity that comes with this.    Just for fun I have emailed a blank uniform template for your child to design their own.  Post /email your pictures, there will be a prize for the best one.   Stay Safe everyone      Master Fearn Read More

Resilience: Helping Children and Teens Build Coping Skills     Stress is a significant part of our lives today. And while we all experience it, children and teens have a more difficult time managing it. Academic pressure, social tensions, family stressors, etc. all impact a young person’s mental well-being. For this reason, it’s important for parents to help their children develop coping skills by guiding them through tough times instead of jumping in to save them from any discomfort that may come along.     Children and teens often present stress as what adults call a meltdown or a tantrum. Psychologists call it “flooding.” This happens when a wave of strong, negative emotions flood in and rational thinking goes out the door. The amygdala, which helps coordinate emotional responses to the environment, is engaged during this. Since the pre-frontal cortex, or self-control centre, is not fully developed, children and teens struggle to get control of the powerful wave of emotions. And to top it all off, emotions are contagious, so when children are upset, parents get upset too.      When parents experience this with their child, it often leads to one of two possible responses. Either the parent wants to jump in and save their child from the distress or they feel that the issue is not as big of a deal as the child is making it to be. However, we must remember that children deal with situations that are real and big to them, such as starting a new school year or studying for an exam. If we don’t address stressors that our children experience, it can lead to the development of poor coping skills, a weakened immune system, and an increase in anxiety.      To counteract the effects of anxiety, it’s important to help children become resilient in the face of adversity, stress, or failure. This means that parents need to refrain from “fixing” and, instead, connect and be present for them while validating their feelings. In the heat of the moment, working on calming techniques such as deep breathing or going for a walk can help calm them since oxygen stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system.  Once they are calm, for younger children its best to help them name the feelings they are experiencing. For teens, brainstorming solutions is effective.     Many adults were not taught healthy coping strategies growing up so teaching and modelling appropriate ones for children and teens is difficult. On a positive note, there are numerous resources available to help. In my Ninja Skillz program, Teaching SKILLZ and Parent SKILLZ are going to be a new addition to my schools and will be used to help children develop a growth mindset by stimulating positive brain chemicals and helping parents better connect and be attuned to their child’s needs. Each class also carries an optimistic tone throughout, so children embrace mistakes and, therefore, develop a growth mindset.      Coping skills take a lot of practice and it’s important for parents to role model healthy ones and guide their children in the development of their own skills. Finding things that makes a child feel good is key in creating these abilities that will lead to resiliency. As the neuroscience saying goes “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Too much stress and no coping skills causes negative wiring in the brain to get stronger. But this can be changed when we strengthen the positive circuitry in the brain and spend more time working on healing procedures and healthy coping skills. Read More

Brain Development for 18 – 36 Months     Healthy brain development is one of the most important aspects of childhood development. More specifically, the first few years of life are a significant time for this because synaptic connections are at a peak level. This is the time when positive and nurturing experiences are vital so that the brain can form strong networks that set the foundation for learning. By understanding the importance of early synaptic connections, parents realised that having their children participate in enriching programs, such as Ninja Skillz, that assist in this development is worthwhile.     Synapses are connections between neurons that transmit signals to each other in the brain. Around 2 to 3 years old, formation of synapses hits the highest point. After that, the process of synaptic pruning begins and unnecessary connections in the brain are removed. This is a vital component of brain development because the eliminating of the unused connections makes room for more important synapses to be strengthened. By doing this, the brain becomes more efficient in order to learn more complex information as development continues.       The process of synaptic pruning is largely based on a child’s experiences. According to the research article “Brain Development and the Role of Experience in the Early Years,” researchers Adrienne Tierney and Charles Nelson of Harvard University state that “experiences in the early years of childhood affect the development of brain architecture in a way that later experiences do not.” Because of this, fostering positive emotions during this process is important so that children are better able to understand and remember a learning experience.     During the vital years of peak synaptic connections is the time when children should be introduced to environments that strengthen these. According to the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, “The emotional and physical health, social skills, and cognitive-linguistic capacities that emerge in the early years are all important prerequisites for success in school and later in the workplace and community.” By understanding this, a friend of mine - Melody Johnson created the Mini SKILLZ program for children ages 18 to 36 months. This powerful play environment establishes a foundation for the development of healthy brain structures.      It is important to note, however, that negative experiences, during these early years, also affect the connections made in the brain. Stress and deprivation could lead to what Tierney and Nelson call a “mis-wiring of brain circuits” and cause synapses related to these negative experiences to strength and cause behavioural problems later.  Therefore, it is vital for children to experience nurturing and positive interactions with their parents and any other carers and important adults in their lives. The more positive experiences the more those connections will be strengthened, and more of the negative synapses will be pruned away.      Since the framework of the Mini SKILLZ program incorporates research in the areas of science, psychology, and child development, the curriculum has a significant impact on children who participate. This impact is even more substantial because it implements Parent skillz and utilises the child-guardian relationship, all of which encourage positive interactions. This program, therefore, creates an atmosphere for healthy brain development.     Positive environments promote healthy brain development. Constant positive stimulation in the early years helps synapses to grow and become permanent. Once formed, they can either be strengthened or weakened. Therefore, it’s important to nurture the positive experiences in the early years. One of the best ways to do this is by participating in an enriching program that fosters the development of the whole child. Starting early will      I will be starting a Mini Ninja Skillz class when this virus blows over, a class for 18 to 36 month old children. Read More