Listening Beyond Words The Key to Deeper Human Connection In today's world, there is an overgrowing focus on “me” and less on “us.” This “all-about-me” emphasis has led to a lack of empathy, which, in turn, results in more and more conflict. The primary reason for this…people do not listen. Their focus is on their own agenda, and they are not open to really listening to others’ thoughts and feelings. And while we have personal rights, we also have a moral responsibility to be kind humans. Early on, teaching children the importance of empathic listening is an invaluable life skill that can change human interactions positively.

Communication is an essential skill to have, and while children are taught to talk and write, listening is only addressed to get children to follow directions. When we talk to others, our biggest need is to feel understood. The problem is that most people only listen with the intent to reply. They have essentially already made up their mind about what we mean and are, therefore, only waiting to make their point. This leads to misunderstandings and conflicts. To be an effective listener, we must be willing to listen beyond the words. As Sean Covey stated in “The 7 Habits of Happy Kids,” “…less than 10 percent of communication is contained in the words we use.”

To help our children with this, we must begin by cultivating their emotional knowledge. Typically, parents start doing this with their younger children by naming strong emotions that the children express. This increases their emotional vocabulary. Parents can then expand on this when situations arise. For example, when a child is watching a TV show, parents can start a conversation by asking their children what they thought the characters were feeling and how they were communicating. As children get older, the conversations can take on a deeper level of empathy. When we teach children to listen through the words someone is saying and pick up on the tone of voice and body language, they begin to build more emotional awareness.

As with anything, a large part of children developing this skill is through observing role models. When interacting with children, it is important that adults understand how a child feels about a situation by asking questions and watching body language. By treating children this way, they will learn, firsthand, a deeper and more meaningful way of interacting with others. They will then show the same respect and empathy for the people they interact with. To help with this, parents can utilise the Parent SKILLZ curriculum(coming soon) as well as the Life SKILLZ information that is used in class, as a way of starting. It is important to keep in mind, however, that children will make mistakes and be unkind sometimes. This is when we need to give them a second chance to try again without making them feel embarrassed. Use these times as further learning opportunities. 
We all want to be understood. By teaching empathic listening to children early on and exercising it often, we can strengthen our communication skills and build trust with each other. Respecting each other enough to truly listen to someone else’s perspective instead of from our frame of reference will go a long way in creating more meaningful interactions. As Mike Greene said, “The ability to hear is a gift. The willingness to listen is a choice.”  Read More

How Trauma Affects Children and Teens     As we continue to navigate the uncharted waters of the current pandemic, many are looking to the future and what it holds. And while it’s hard to predict how long our current daily life modifications will last, what we do know is that the experience of this trauma will have personal changes that could last for years to come. Trauma can affect people of any age and in varying ways. Children and teens are especially vulnerable since development has not stopped. Understanding the effects of the current pandemic is key in helping them bounce back faster when life returns to “normal.”     Children are, undoubtedly, resilient. However, this doesn’t automatically mean that they won’t suffer after a traumatic event. And while children from homes that were unstable prior to our COVID-19 crisis will be more affected, any child could suffer with symptoms of PTSD following this. During trauma, the brain is inundated with Cortisol, the stress hormone, and changes in the brain can result. This is especially true for children and teens who are still undergoing brain development. And since children are always viewed as resilient, parents and caregivers often miss signs of stress and, therefore, miss out on opportunities to help.       Just as children and teens react to daily events in different ways, they also react to trauma differently. Younger children may exhibit symptoms such as clinginess, increased tantrums, regressive behaviours such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking, and stomachaches. Those in the middle childhood stage may become more irritable, have difficulty concentrating, develop irrational fears, and have nightmares. Pre-teens and teens show warning signs such as anxiety, loss of interest in activities, disrespect, and self-destructive behaviours. It’s important to note, however, that even among the same age groups, reactions to the same traumatic event will look different.       The good thing is, not all children and teens will develop long-lasting symptoms following trauma. However, being able to recognize and respond to acute stress is imperative as well. By being attuned and connecting with their children, parents can create an age-appropriate dialogue for children and teens to talk about their feelings. Implementing a healthy diet and decreasing sugar intake will also reduce stress. Along with this, role-modelling healthy coping skills will also install behaviours that will be useful in the future.      After most traumatic events, people rely on their friends, family, and community to help ease the stress. And, although, we can’t be “together” like we usually are, we can still utilise each other. For children and teens this means keeping some routine things in place to provide an outlet. Virtual play dates with friends, social media games, and virtual sports training can all keep children and teens connected to other friends, other caregivers, and coaches. Keeping them engaged in fun activities will help them be build confidence again and stay connected to people that love and support them.      The effects of this pandemic will continue long after the reopening of our country and may create long term stamps on generations affected. And while we can’t predict the ways each person will be affected, we must be knowledgeable of the ways trauma presents itself in our children and teens so we can be proactive in our approach and help them bounce back quickly. Preserving connectedness for children and teens to their community will increase their ability to feel secure, even in the midst of uncertainty.  Read More

Nurturing Children’s Social Development During the Pandemic     For the past two months, we have been asked to socially distance ourselves from others in order to stop the spread of COVID-19. We’ve put most of our “normal” daily living routines on pause and created a secluded environment for ourselves and our children. And while many things are in a holding pattern, one thing that has not taken a break is children’s development. And yes, we are living in unprecedented times but as the world begins the “re-opening” effort, we must prepare ourselves and our children for what our social lives will look like moving forward.     Children’s social development is being impacted with the guidelines surrounding social distancing. They are no longer able to attend school and interact with their teachers and friends and most parents are also limiting their children’s time spent going on errands as well. Therefore, their ability to interact with others is limited. And what’s worse is that many people have taken the term “social distancing” to mean that they cannot interact with others at all. The stress of getting sick has instilled fear in our minds and caused many to avoid eye contact and greeting others, in addition to staying 6 ft. apart.      For children, “social distancing” can be confusing, especially when parents are avoiding others on all levels. And while the intention of this phrase is good, it has sent the wrong message. What we need to teach children is to “physically distance” themselves from others. This term tells them to maintain distance while also letting them know that eye contact and greetings are okay. This way, children learn what they should do to avoid getting sick while also learning and reinforcing necessary social skills.     In order to meet children’s social development needs, parents must find ways to teach social skills by providing children with creative opportunities for this. One way to start this is by parents role-playing social scenarios. This will be especially important since in-person social interactions will look different as daily activities resume. And while most families have continued to connect with extended family via video chats, parents should also have time set aside for virtual play dates or classes where children can interact with other adults and their peers.        Through Martial arts and fitness, children around the world have continued to engage with their peers and instructors while under stay at home orders. Since Martial arts focuses on developing the whole child, each class targets social skills that are appropriate for a certain age group. And while it’s a bit different now that classes are done virtually, instructors are still able create interactions between students and allow time to check in with them. Nurturing children’s social development, during this time, is vital in preparing them for interactions with others again.      While we don’t know, yet, what the long-term effects of social isolation on our children will look like, what we do know is that children will be different. To help mitigate any regression in social development, we must take the time now to form unity between parents and the community and invest in our children’s social growth. By doing this, we are preparing them for success and helping them feel confident in knowing how to interact with others in a safe, yet compassionate way.  Read More